Well, I did make it to the meeting this morning. Officially by their scale, I was up 1.4lbs; not much for the pandemonium I was feeling the last three weeks. Mind you, I left my phone, wallet, belt, and most of my keys at home, but an official weigh in is an official weigh in. 
By their scale I’m at -35lbs which still isn’t bad. I’m glad I went. 
The biggest news of the week, in my mind, falls back to the doctor’s visit on Friday however… and not just because I’m down 42lbs on my medical records. I mentioned my issues with what seemed like an extended burn out, and the doc gave me some tests and confirmed that by that test I appear to be depressed. It was kind of funny, actually; he said men have a harder time of admitting when they’re depressed and wind up turning to road rage and alcohol instead of getting help; I just commented that I have avoided the road rage but have been a little quicker to temper lately. It was hard to argue the point on the alcohol, as that’s been a source of calorie issues for me lately too. In any case, I’m starting Zoloft now and we’ll see if that helps. It takes 4-6 weeks to really take effect I hear so time will tell how that goes, but I’ll keep people generally posted as to the process.
Of course, that leads right into a few other choices I’ve been debating as well. I have decided that whether or not I quit Weight Watchers, I won’t make that decision right now if I am depressed. When I was working the program it was working for me quite well, but I’ve just lost the motivation to really put in the effort of adding up the numbers and figuring things out. Of course, I’ve lost a lot of other motivation as well… if the Zoloft helps to bring back a little more zest than I might get right back into the swing of it. If I’m still trying to just go on my own and not am not tracking in two months, I’ll probably quit Weight Watcher’s then but for now I’m going to stick with it. I absolutely encourage anyone struggling with weight loss to try to Weight Watchers and really work it, because when you do work it then it really CAN work, but I’ve just had trouble caring about myself (or anything else) to work it lately. If I do quit, it’s because of me and not because of the program.
I’ve also debated whether or not I really want to pursue this blog. That TED discussion from a couple of posts ago is really resonating with me. I have gotten a lot of fabulous feedback from the people here, both those that I’ve met through this site and others I’ve known longer who follow me here. And it’s felt good, really good. So good I think I have gotten a bit cocky and relaxed some on the kudos I’ve received instead of continuing to plunge forward and, frankly, even if I’ve lost over 40lbs I’m still at best between a quarter and a fifth of the way there. So why do I often have the feeling that I’ve got this things mastered? I know that I don’t, but I’ve lost touch with the tracking that helped me lose about ten pounds a month for the first three months I was on Weight Watchers. I feel in some ways like some out of touch celebrity, perhaps knowing at some level that something else needs to happen but almost feeling like I’m above it, like it’ll happen without me making that effort. That I can cheat today and be back inline tomorrow… every day.
I won’t make any final decisions about what to do with this blog while I’m just starting a new medication and trying to figure out what that means for me. I suspect that I’ll just throw odds and ends out here and there, however, and I don’t know that I’ll keep the same weekly update going on. I’ll know more about the blog’s future when I know more about how my immediate future is working out… and I guess we’ll figure that out together.
In other quick updates; I walked a little over two miles Wednesday night, enjoying the full moon, but I did not make it to the gym. I had my first middle of the night cramp that I’ve had in years in spite of a regular stream of bananas (and therefore potassium) and my legs have felt more more sore than they should lately… very strange. My clothes are still fitting as they have lately – those couple of pounds I’ve gained haven’t made much difference there.
It’s a new week next week… and I begin titrating to new medication on it. Wish me luck… I may need it. :/
Are you drinking your water? That could bring on more leg cramps.
With the Zoloft, here is my biggest piece of advice (since I have been on ONE antidepressant over the last 4 years, I am an expert
). When you are all motivated, doing all kinds of chores, and feeling great after a few weeks, you'll feel great. Then in a few days, you might be doing stuff, and thinking, "I don't think these things are working anymore, I may as well stop taking them." Call your doctor! You might be ready for an increase. If you don't feel any different after the six weeks, CALL YOUR DOCTOR, you might need to switch.
Anyway, good luck! Try not to drink while taking the meds because it could really screw with you!
Hrm. I haven't been drinking quite as much water lately… not a bad idea, certainly worth a try.
As far as calling my doc, no, I have no plans to. I mean, I already have a followup appointment scheduled in, er, 6 weeks or so (mid-November in any case), so there's no need to call him when I'm already planning to go back in.
It's also worth noting I've been on a few other antidepressants before. I've been diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder in the past, back when we were living in Northern Ohio. I've not had the same seasonal/sunlight issues since then, and since this started in summer there's no real reason to think it's that again. I know that when I was on Paxil I had to take half of the dose I was prescribed or else I was living in a fog. I assure you, though, I won't cut any drugs like that cold turkey on my own.
Cut any drugs, me either, I would NEVER dream of doing such a thing! FINE, you caught me! I even called my doc one time after I threw my back out and asked her if I could take FloMax. I know she was laughing hysterically when she got off the phone with me as that is a PROSTATE drug! (FYI, I don't have one of those)
Anyway, you seem to have a better grip on the self medicating thing than most people I'm used to dealing with, so ROCK ON! My hubby goes on and off of his meds. I tell him, "You know, going off your meds could cause you to die! Or be MURDERED!"
After the experience we had caring for a medically fragile child, yeah, I know more than I'd like to about medications. For instance, at the turn of this past year I wound up with a kink in my neck that just wouldn't come out… I saw the physician's assistant and he put me on robaxin to relax the muscles. Took it for a bit, felt some improvement but it was just too tight to get the one crack I needed to get. I went back in a week and saw my regular doc, he said pretty much what the PA said until I asked him what the recommended dosage was per kilogram on it, knowing I'm a big boy (almost 400lbs at that point, remember). He smiled, pulled out his phyisician's desk reference and realized that for my weight I was barely on a therapeutic dosage, so he doubled it. (Actually, as often happened, a real therapeutic dosage for my weight is over the max they can prescribe, go figure.) A day or two later I was finally able to get that crack out of my neck. Hurt like heck the rest of the day, still, but it's not the first time I've been able to help a doctor with something like that when prescribing meds for me. They do still know more than I do about it and I don't forget it, and I'll trust a professional before I trust advice I find online, but I'm not afraid to give them another perspective to chew on just the same.
That said, I ideally do not want to be on this for the rest of my life… but I'll talk with the doc about an exit strategy. The one thing I didn't like is he started talking about chemical imbalances when they hadn't done any tests for chemical imbalances, just a paper test for me to describe how I was feeling. It's a little too neat and tight that way…
Ok, ok dammit! I'll take my Paxil! I have no idea how many days since I last took it, but I was noticing today how clear-headed I feel. I think it's time to cut back from the maximum dosage, though, because I do experience that fog more now than I did when I was 45 lbs heavier and taking the same dosage.
As always, Mandy is in my head stealing my thoughts – this time about the water. Drink up buddy boy!
I think that being AWARE of the tendancy to get a false sense of accomplishment is a good thing. I will be kicking myself for sharing that video if you quit blogging because we are more "in touch" than we have been for YEARS because of this blog! And really, it's all about me and my feelings – so please take that under consderation
Speaking from experience..the meds to take some time to kick in. Be aware of the dizzy feeling the first week or so you take it. It goes away quickly but it’s something to be aware of (it only lasts a moment or two…like a headrush). If youare feeling constantly drowsy or loopy, they may have given you too much. Just watch yourself like I know you’re good at. As Mandy said too, listen to your body…when you feel they aren’t working or not feeling the same on them, go see your doctor again.
As for the WW and the blog…at one point in the blog you felt that they helped keep you accountable. While I know you’re ready to get the weight off, would stopping the accountability hinder that? You don’t have to answer that now, just something to think about in the future.
You’re doing a good job hon…keep it up. I’m very proud of you, and no matter what you decide to do..blog/ww wise…you still have me in your cheering committee to keep going.